Do you ever wake up one morning and suddenly everything appears dark and grim?
Situations and “things” that you viewed as very positive just the day before no longer appear that way at all. As a matter of fact, they seem to be a burden rather than a blessing.
You feel like you were somehow blindsided by a Mac truck in the middle of the highway. No, you feel you are STILL BEING RUN OVER by a Mac truck.
And is backing up and moving forward over and over.
You can’t even get a perspective to see what is happening. You just hear the engine rev and see the tires coming again.
If you could only get out from under “it” to see what in the world is going on.
Whatever “it” is.
Well, we of course call the “it” – feelings.
We LOVE the “good” ones. The ones that feel like a “mountain top” experience. The very ones we may have had just before we went to bed!
Now, come the “bad ones”. The “Mac-truck-running-over-you” type.
How do they change so fast? It appears it was just a few minutes between “yesterday” and “today”.
For me, I know some of the things that cause my feelings and “mood” to change so dramatically. Food is a big one for me. Sugar or white-flour foods in certain types and quantities (usually large!) often cause this to occur in me. Then, at times I can “get away with it”. It just seems “I am not in charge” here of when and where it occurs. I just know there is something about certain types of foods that my body does not like. It “blocks” the good feelings and most of all, hope. I would call hope the “confident expectation of something good in the future”.
Doesn’t it suck when the “hope” is gone?
It truly feels like the world is ending and no one can do anything about it. “Why try?” are the thoughts you hear during this time.
The spiritual person in me calls this “the darkness” or being “separated from the light (God)”. For some reason, certain foods at certain times in certain combinations and quantities create “darkness” in me that block “the light” and “the hope”.
This is the kind of day I had yesterday. It was dark, very dark and I had very little hope that I could “find”.
It usually doesn’t start that way. Usually, it doesn’t “creep” in until the afternoon or evening often related to the increasing tiredness of my physical body.
But, not yesterday. It was there from the “get-go” about 30 minutes after waking. The “Mac truck’ was already running over me but I didn’t realize it. I also sometimes call it “falling into the fire without realizing it”. Some just call it “extremely grouchy”!
So, sadly, I had an unpleasant interaction when my youngest son struggled to get up for school. This is very rare. But, it felt to me inside like it has been occurring since the beginning of time. I said a few things I was not too proud of later. Nothing outright abusive or neglectful, but just “short, stern, and very frustrated” I guess. He took them like the champ he is and I was greatly convicted of them later in the day.
Isn’t it when we don’t react to negativity that there is a better chance of conviction?
My day continued to appear to me as very dark. I haven’t felt this way in quite a long time. All areas of life appeared “unfixable”. God was “gone” “never to return”. I wouldn’t say that, but that is what it “felt like”.
What in the WORLD was going on? Why did I feel like this so lacking in hope?
Then, in the afternoon, a small flash of light came to me within. It said “you ate the individual container of ice cream Saturday night”… (I add “individual” to make sure you don’t think I ate a whole, large container! … I bet I could though. Shhhh! That is our secret!)
That was it! I began to realize “I AM UNDER THE MAC TRUCK” right now being dragged along. That’s the BAD news. But, there is good news.
The “Mac Truck” only has enough fuel for ONE day. Then, he parks it in the garage and I am released. But, the thoughts will start to appear a few days or maybe a week later…
If that doesn’t work, they change to “you deserve it, don’t you?” or “you worked hard today, let’s have some fun”
It will not stop until it gets what it wants. It is very persistent.
For some it could be “drink?” or “cigarette?” or “work this weekend?” or… (you fill in the blank).
There is a person who helps people treat addictions who wrote a book about this “voice” inside. It only about survival, pleasure and reproducing itself. He says it is a part of our “old human nature” and brain that is essentially an animal. He calls it “the beast” within.
I find that very interesting since I study the scriptures so much. God has a lot to say about “beasts” and man. Could we be inside of a beasts body or have a “beast” or animal inside us? It doesn’t want to kill us per se’, but really thinks it is trying to keep us alive. However, these efforts are often killing us it seems.
Interesting things to ponder if you have ever experienced any of these things. Behaviors you sometimes repeat that feed you darkness.
One thing I can be assured of. The day (light) always comes after the darkness. Each and every time I have a day like this, the next day is FULL OF LIGHT. It’s almost like its all part of a divine plan. I just need to wait for the “sun” to shine and rise in my heart again.
So, today I realized this again because the “sun” is shining brightly within. I was thinking about how NOTHING in my situation or LIFE has actually changed from a few days ago before the darkness of yesterday.
It was all an ILLUSION, wasn’t it?
Nothing actually really changed. Just the inside of me and the way I saw things outwardly. My “glasses” became very dirty temporarily.
Could this be one of the secrets of whatever it is that blocks truth “faith” and true “hope”?
Or what God calls “darkness”. After all, our bodies are made of the cursed, spiritual “dust of the ground” aren’t they? Gen 1:2, 2:7, 3:17 (Did you notice man was never cursed, but only the body he is in?)
Even though “feelings” appear as totally real, are they merely an illusion created by our bodies?